just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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