Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
