she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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