I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
