i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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