Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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