I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
