Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
