Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
