We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
