Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
