My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
