i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I checked into jail on foursquare
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
