Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
