OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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