On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
