It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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