I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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