I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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