just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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