How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
