two words: eviction party
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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