the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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