My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
