I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
