Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
