On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
