Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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