You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
