then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
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