9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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