the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
