You smell like a Billy Joel song
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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