NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
