I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
