I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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