last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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