here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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