DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
