i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
