just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
