i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
