Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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