Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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