I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
