can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
