Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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