I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
