I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
