I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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