WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
